ACCOUNT OF MY DAYS
Sequence: 8
HE SITS DOWN
M the cripple feels his legs unhinge, and he has to sit
down. His existence, his very survival, is in flight,
but for the moment he must remain here. He sits as a
fugitive does, with a profounder quiet than other men, a
will to invisibility. M tries to desire his enforced
stillness, so that some slight anxiety does not betray
itself in gesture or posture. Against all instincts be-
longing to his situation, M the cripple nurtures a love
of motionlessness, and he attempts to acquire the mind
of an unwanted individual. He counts the number of
people wearing red, he notices the endless variety of
strides, he takes delight in observing those unconscious
of being observed. His attention to this mood, this way
of being, is occasionally broken by the thought of his
legs--Are they strong enough now? How can I not seem to
need help?--and by the realization that the people on the
street actually believe that they are not fugitives, that
they are free to do as they please, that no power opposes
them, that they have no need for caution or release from
fear, that they are only going to a destination that they
know and have chosen.